alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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