So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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