True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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