In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
