I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
