On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
