he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
