Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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