Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
