I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
