I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
