I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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