Redeem this text for a blowjob
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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