Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
