in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
