Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
