so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
