distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
