Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
