Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
