Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
