i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
