Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
