remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
