There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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