Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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