don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
