we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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