wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
