dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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