I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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