using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
