He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
