So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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