Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
