My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
