dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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