I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
