he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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