oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
