I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
