She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
