In the future we'll all be gay
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
