I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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