just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
