I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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