i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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