1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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