I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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