My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
